i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
