Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
my liver is dry heaving
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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