Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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