The maid of honor just puked.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
