Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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