Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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