what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
