maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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