; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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