the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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