Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize