Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
