she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
