I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
