I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize