P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
