Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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