you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
