Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
