She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
