The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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