She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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