a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
