i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
