I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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