Your face is a jimmy john
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
