I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
