why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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