apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
