Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
