I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
