Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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