I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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