Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
