im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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