dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
