and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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