First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My life is pants optional.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So apparently I’m into choking now
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