this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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