I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
