i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
