There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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