seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
