having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
