I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like death gave me a hand job
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
