I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
