Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
im on a boat
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