well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
