Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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