can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
