Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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