I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
