So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
