i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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