Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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