I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
