Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
