I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
