She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think your dad took our porno
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
