I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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