First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
